Posted by: PunkiePixie | December 22, 2007

The Golden Compass should point to the exit…

I just saw The Golden Compass and wow… I can’t figure out how to describe it.

Hmmm….

It was bad, horrendous, abhorrent. Those are all compliments, Absolutely, Stupendously, Abhorrent! that’s it!!!!!!!!

The Golden Compass was absolutely, stupendously abhorrent.

Yeah, I hated absolutely loathed it. Wish I could get my $10 back! I can’t believe that I wanted to see this movie, was excited to see it! But then, it was pissing people off and causing controversy and such; I was curious, what was this film that was causing such a stir?

Bill O’Reilly (yes, that’s the wikipedia article, I will not give him the honor of a direct link to his site *shudder*) disliked this movie because the book it’s based on is anti-establishment and anti-religion, the Catholic Church disliked it for the same reason. They should have disliked it because it’s a waste of film. Any traces of the book’s disestablishmentarianism is removed and instead is just 113 minutes of CGI and things that go “boom”. There’s no plot, no story line… just lots of “boom!”. How can I go “oooooo ahhhh” when the “boom!” has no point or is inessential to the story? The Lord of the Rings film trilogy (LotR) had lots of CGI and things that go “boom!”, but that had a story and a good one! It also made me cheer and laugh and cry… LotR was an experience… The Golden Compass was a nap waiting to happen.

Speaking of naps, my dad fell asleep in his seat, he was snoring too! My mom wanted to fall asleep, and so did I… we only stayed awake just hoping it would get better. Sadly, it didn’t. If i got up to go use the restrooms, I would have come back to find that I didn’t miss much. One hundred and thirteen minutes of my life wasted; I can’t get them back. It makes me cry inside. As my mom so elegantly put it, “If I were to find that on HBO, I would have changed the channel after about 20 minutes.” I replied, “If this were on commercial network like, USA or FX, I would give up on it at the first commercial break!”

I was so bored that I was looking at all the wonderful hand knit and crocheted items and started wondering how I could make them myself. Lyra (the young protagonist) was wearing this cute chunky knit bonnet that I really liked. She wore it in practically every scene which gave me ample time to figure out it’s construction. It’s a simple stockinette stitch swatch knit on what seems to be US size 15 needles (maybe larger?) using super bulky yarn. The swatch is then folded in half the long way and one of the short ends is seamed. Braids are attached to the opposite corners and are used to secure the bonnet to the wearer’s head. TADA! A really cute chunky knit bonnet. Yup! I was that bored that I figured that out… it was a simply constructed thing, but I had nothing else to do and I liked it and it was there for my observation. You know a movie’s bad if the only thing that’s keeping you entertained is figuring out the construction of a hand knit item. Oy, you know you’re knitting obsessed if you can do this without having to do too much thinking. If I had watched this at home, I would have dug through my stash for some extra bulky yarn and would have started knitting myself that bonnet.

Moving on…

The only positive thing I have to say about this film is that the casting is good. Ian McKellan voices a CGI polar bear, Nicole Kidman is an evil blonde woman who looks like she could use more sun (although she is as stunningly beautiful as ever), and Daniel Craig is a researcher whom we know not too much about, but he’s of some importance. All of them needed more screen time, but it seemed like they were the only ones carrying this film. A friend of mine reviewed Eragon simply as “a bad school play with a few stellar actors giving mediocre performances” (or something like that) and I would have to say this about the performances of McKellan, Kidman, and Craig.

The child actors weren’t that good. The girl who plays Lyra (I won’t name her, children don’t deserve such harsh criticism as most child actors are forced into acting) is bearable at best. She’s no Dakota Fanning or Abigail Breslin, let’s say that. Oh, and I spent half the movie thinking Who the hell is this Roger kid? Why the hell do I think I’ve I seen him before? Was he in one of the Harry Potter movies? (Roger is the best friend of the young female lead, Lyra)… So I did some checking on the IMDB… turns out he was in Sweeny Todd, he plays Toby the kid that works for Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett. I saw Sweeney Todd last night and loved adored it (my review of it can be found here). No wonder he was the only kid in the whole movie who could act; and going by his performance in Sweeney Todd, he can also sing rather well.

Speaking of Sweeney Todd, I kept turning to my mom and saying “Sweeney Todd was much, much better than this!” She hated severely disliked Sweeney Todd and she agreed with me. After the movie, while walking to the car she said, “The throat slitting in Sweeney Todd was more interesting because that kept you in suspense! You didn’t know who he’d kill next and that kept your interest and on the edge of your seat.” Yup! My mom said that, my sweet little mom who finds utter disgust in slasher movies… hell, she can barely watch a documentary on Ancient Egypt because she finds the mummies disgusting (yet, she liked The Mummy hmmm). At one point, I was hoping Sweeney would jump in and put this movie out of it’s misery… ahhhhh, that would have been glorious.

I digress…

In conclusion, I say this: movie tickets, movie rentals, online movie rental subscriptions, and downloads on iTunes all cost the same– $10 (well movie tix here in Connecticut are $10); the average paperback book costs $10. I’m reading the book and loving it, it’s a page turner in every sense of the word. So, instead of going to spend money on watching is abhorrent film, go to the nearest bookstore and buy the book. Give your money to the author and not the studio responsible for this waste of film and digital technology.

Let’s hope this wins the Razzy for the Worst Movie of 2007

OH!!! I got it!!!! It’s like The DaVinci Code, it pissed people off, caused a stir… but in the end, the movie was an awful disappointment and the money spent on the tickets was better served purchasing the book. (Which I did borrow off my mom and I do have to say that it is one of the best books I’ve ever read; although it was over-hyped and overrated.)

Here are some other reviews that agree with me:
RottenTomatoes.com
Entertainment Weekly
BoxOfficeMoJo.com
CNN.com
Wired.com

Funny, I couldn’t find any good reviews… hmmmmmmm

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Responses

  1. You are not the first person to give it a review like that. Practically everyone that has seen it has said the same thing. I was looking forward to that movie too. Oh well, There is always Sweeney Todd, which I have yet to see.

  2. You just made me laugh really, really hard. And even more annoyed that I probably will have to settle for watching Sweeny on our puny television at some point in the future instead of on a lovely big screen with surround sound and popcorn.


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